Our Camp of Sorrows 7/9/21

Last night I captured this picture of our camp as I was walking back from taking the garbage. It had been a rough few days and, as I looked at our cheerful looking camp, I thought about how hard it can be to see what is really hovering under the surface all the time.

For some odd reason (that I am sure someone much more experienced and wiser than me could explain) this new move into Bigger Betty seems to have stirred up every sorrow we have ever held. And, they are spilling over to the surface,. We have a few good days and then bam! Something bubbles up and off we go into our place of sorrows. I am not sure if this is something to do with the letting go that is needed for this new life. Or if it is because to live as freely as we long too we must release old hurts and pains. I am not really sure - but it has not been an easy path for either of us.

Yesterday I cut my ankle on the shower door and instead of running for the Band-Aids I sat down with my wound and allowed it to bleed. I felt a need to be in solidarity with it before pasting it up. To acknowledge that it hurt, and that in many ways we are feeling some of that same woundedness right now. Not in a morbid sort of way - but in a way that honored how my body was trying to convey a deeper message to me about what it means to be wounded, to be cared for -covered in healing ointment and a band aid - maybe even a kiss like I used to give my kids when they got a booboo. To recognize that this cut on my ankle would eventually heal and that the process it was going through was part of that healing process.

This morning was shower day - something that happens about every three to four days for us. Jason woke early and had the first shower. When he woke me up for my shower he invited me into a ritual that he had practiced that morning - he said, that as he washed his body, he imagined that he was also washing away all the sorrow, all the gunk that seems to be hiding in places that we didn’t know was there. He jokingly said to be sure to wash behind my ears and between my toes as lots of the sorrow is hiding there and we can’t see it.

So into the shower I went. I was still sleepy but in need of a good cleanse. I scrubbed and washed. Soaped up and washed again. I used up all the hot water, and finished with a bracingly cold rinse to wake me up and freeze off any gunk that was still hiding unseen. I imagined it all washing down the drain with the dirt and grim from my four “showerless” days.

This afternoon I plan to do laundry. I was supposed to be attending a retreat online but found, about half way through the retreat, that I am not really good company for others right now. I have other work to do. The heavy work of sorrows that are ready to be released.

As I load the dirty bedding and clothes into the washer I will be whispering a prayer of release. Letting the clothes know that it is okay to release all the gunk and sorrows as well. That we are ready to be finished with this cleansing. That we are inviting joy and love to surround us - and that all the sorrow will need to go away - like right now.

I plan to go to bed on fresh sheets with a clean body and a fresh perspective. To allow the sorrows to finally be laid to rest. To not invite or pick them up again.

This is my noticing for today. It is not an easy noticing. It is not an easy naming. But it is what is true for us this week and I refuse to only write about rainbows and unicorns. So I will close this weeks posting with a wishing prayer:

Oh gracious and loving Creator - we know that all new things require letting go. We know that to live the simple life that you are inviting us toward requires shedding. We just didn’t expect it to require an interior shedding as well. In this we trust you to know what is best - even though this scrubbing out hurts.

We trust you - but we are also ready to be done with the emptying out - at least for now. May our camp of sorrows be transformed. May joy radiate out in all directions. May love surround and infuse all we say and do.

We thank you for this challenge and we release the outcome to you. Ever hopeful. Amen