Belonging 7/19/21

This morning as I sat in prayer I watched a number of tiny bugs bumping up against the camper windows trying to get inside. One thing you soon realize when you live in a camper full time is the constant presence of bugs. Each night we have to do a massive bug massacre to get rid of all the flying things that have found their way into the camper throughout the day. It is not a really nice activity - but it beats waking up covered in mosquito bites or having a large bug fly into your face in the darkness of night.

As I sat listening to the other voices of my community praying the psalms over the phone I watched the bugs - continually bump up against the window - knowing that if I were to open the window they would willingly fly inside despite the consequences. That for some reason they wanted to be inside more than they wanted the wide open spaces of the wilds outside.

We were a large group in prayer and so my speaking parts were few and far between - and I had lots of time to watch the bugs and listen as the familiar words of the psalms washed over me. And I admit my mind might have wander just a bit - wondering about a topic that has come up a lot lately - the topic of belonging and finding places where we have a deep sense of being at home - welcomed, wanted, and celebrated.

In many of the circles that I sit in, this seems to be an important topic these days. Maybe it is the many recent books that have been written on belonging - maybe it is the result of coming out of a pandemic and not wanting to play games anymore with how we spend our time. Maybe it is just the circles I sit in. In any case - it seems to be something I am being invited to consider.

You may have noticed that I didn’t write any travel logs last week. I did this out of choice as I was on retreat with my Benedictine community and wanted to really take the time to step away. But even in this sacred space the question of belonging arose again and poked me in some tender places that I didn’t realize were still so vulnerable - and it hurt.

As I watched the bugs bump up against the window, listening to the words of the psalmist “To mortals and beasts your give protection, O God how precious is your love, the children of the earth find refuge in the shelter of your wings” - I thought of all the places that I feel as if I belong and offered a prayer of gratitude. I also thought of the different ways that belonging happens. Places where I could say some parts of me belong but other parts of me are not as welcomed. Places where my voice might not always be encouraged. And I began to think that belonging has many layers. We seek out the places that we can belong fully - but in reality they are few and far between.

All of this is to say that I am looking more closely at my life and the places where I am like the bugs at the window - bumping up against a hard surface - trying to fit in where I don’t belong - completely oblivious to the fact that if I were to actually get through I would most likely come to some harm. That it is better for me to turn in other directions - to remember that my deepest belonging comes from the Divine. To offer deep gratitude to the places I get to show up fully - with my sassy mouth, my broken heart, my deep love for creation, and my creative spirit.

Later in the day, I found myself in my weekly Examen group where one of the women told us about a podcast she had been listening to. In the podcast they were discussing ways that we can ground ourselves so that when we encounter hard places we are better able to yield instead of brace. And I thought how beautiful this yielding image is and how much I want to learn how to yield. To be soft - to bend when I find the sharp edges of not belonging pop up.

I am not sure if this has anything to do with our travels per say - but it feels deeply related.

Earlier this year I had chosen the world belonging as one of my words for the year. Next to the word I had written, “I never do not belong because I belong to all of creation”. Our travels are connecting us more fully to creation - and somehow in that - we are coming home to ourselves - coming home to our place of belonging.